Non Surgical Facelift

These oyinbo people are slow o, they are just catching on to the face lifting powers of hair braiding! I had to laugh as I watched this report on accesshollywood the other day. Why do they think us beautiful women from the African continent never look our ages? Yeah (good) black don't crack and whatever does manage to crack we be repairing (albeit temporarily) by braiding our hair creating smooth skin on our foreheads, temples and the nape of our necks. As a matter of fact 'Threading' is another hair preparation method that serves a double purpose. Of course beauty is pain and nothing is as painful as having the misfortune of getting your hair braided/threaded by a person with an excessively firm grip. Panadol does come in handy for the headache, and the pain will go away with time. If you are lucky thats all you will get, a real unlucky person gets the bumps too. aarrgghhh!!! The bumps!!!! Nasty little painful things and they can be the most unsightly mess oozing pus and all.

Lauryn, O Lauryn

Can You imagine that 10 years after her debut album (The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill) we are still awaiting her sophomore album? I heard a couple of months ago that contrary to what we all believe (i.e. she has been undergoing a 9yr plus mental breakdown) Lauryn has been recording and she has an impressive body of never before seen nor heard work not exactly rivaling Prince (but coming close). I also heard Columbia was refusing to release her sophomore album for not very clear reasons. Lauryn had a concert this past Wednesday in California and if reports of the said concert are anything to go by, I am beginning to see why we will have to wait a bit longer for the much awaited sophomore album. The new material is supposed to be un-inspiring and apparently Lauryn's pipes are rusty. Incidentally I have been listening to the 'Miseducation' album for about two weeks now, I LOVE that album (from 'Lost Ones', 'Ex-factor', 'To Zion', 'Doo Wop', 'Forgive Them Father', Every Ghetto Every City', and her cover of the Frankie Vallie hit 'Can't Take My Eyes of You') and I have been seriously wondering if Lauryn would ever be able to atleast match her debut effort and preferably surpass it. I just pray she gets herself together and puts something out she is so talented and I just love her voice. Love you Lauryn, I will continue to pray for you, you be aight.

Concert review: Lauryn Hill show in Oakland a fiasco
mercurynews.com

Lauryn Hill's Paramount Theatre show gets off to a rocky start
sfgate.com

Joblessness

You can usually tell a persons ‘place of origin’ in the US from the first 3 digits of their cell number. Mine of course gives away my Texas origins. I have had a couple of friends who have changed their numbers every time they moved from state to state I am very lazy and have often wondered why they bother. On Friday I found motivation to do the same.

I usually listen to the radio on my ride into work. When I bought my car the sales person tuned the radio to 102.7 Kiis FM ‘this is my favorite station’ she proclaimed as she fiddled with the buttons. ‘How nice’ I thought. I later realized she was scamming me out of noticing that the cd player was broken. Or maybe she wasn’t. Anyhow I have on occasion listened to a segment of the morning show called ‘Ryans Roses’ where women send email/fax or call in their relationship issues. Basically a woman or a man calls in because they are not sure about the fidelity of the guy (or gal) they are dating/married to and wants to lay their doubts to rest. After authorizing the show, a call is placed by the show to the unsuspecting spouse/significant other and an offer of free roses is made which they can send to anyone in the continental US of course the ‘florist’ needs the name and address of the recipient as well as a message to go on the card. The call can go either of two routes after the recipient of the roses has been established. Profuse apologies are offered (and I imagine a lot of off-air make up sex) if the recipient of the roses and the person who initiated the Ryan’s Roses call are one and the same or abuses and a lot of on air drama if not. On Friday Lupe called the show. She had been dating this guy for sometime and she needed to know where she stood with him. He had been making promises but nothing seemed to be forthcoming and oh, he is married! Donkey! Why do women do these things to themselves? Men are not as noble as we like to think, if a guy is tired of a relationship in as much as his partner is not his meal ticket he really doesn’t need too much persuasion to move forward. I have heard the old ‘I am only here cos of my kids’ line but ehn … I don’t know. Apparently this particular guy had been promising to leave his wife (spinning her the ol’ yarns) and she chopped his lines so much she broke up with all her friends and introduced him to her parents (as what abi?) etc etc and now 2 yrs later she has a really bad taste in her mouth and needs a huge dose of public humiliation to see what is obvious to the rest of us; she is just a jump off that homebody is recycling like rain water. So the call is made and like a good boy who just got tired of eating ‘rice’ all the time he asks that the roses be sent to his ‘lovely wife Marie’ with a message worthy of any loving husband. he donkey (Lupe) was furious. At this point Ryan butts in and tells homeboy what is really going on and asks who Lupe is to him. Y’all think Doug E Fresh can beatbox? Yo Doug E aint got nothing on this Cassanova. I haven’t heard so much scratching since the 80’s! The guy sef no get any kin game, if na me wo I go deny sotay de girl sef go begin second guess herself by the time I am through with her she will be apologising to me! Anyway, moving on ... After what seemed like an eternity (I was on the verge of putting my car in park in the middle of the 405, climbing on to the roof and breaking out in a break-dance routine no point wasting his beat-boxing/stammering) when he manages to stammer out that Lupe is his friend and after further coaxing admitted they where ‘romantically platonic’ friends. I am laughing so hard by now I can hardly see. Of course every married woman in LA is calling in to the show by this time (I bet the boards hadn’t seen so many calls prior), and the ones who made it on to the air were doing a damn good job of yapping our poor damsel in distress. Me sef, I don reach for my phone to deliver some choice words when I realized that I wouldn’t be connected; the 1-800 number would only connect local (California) numbers. Chei! Could this be the reason? Is this why my friends always change their numbers when they move? I figured they must have been trying to give bill collectors the slip or something but I think I have hit gold here. I mean the ability to call in to local morning radio shows and add your 2 cents to whatever issue is on hand sure as hell beats buying a cat. Perhaps. I am quick to realize though that it would take more than Lupe the Donkey and her inability to realize her jump off status to get me to go through all the wahala. And I am hardly in danger of buying a cat (not a huge fan of animals up close and personal). Besides why bother when I can blog about it?

Its about time

Sad to see you go, I do understand your quest for the elusive Champions League title. I wish you all the best with Barca.

Thierry Henry headed to Barcelona sportingnews.com

Epidemic of Ignorance

This isn't even funny.

The Difficult Struggle Against AIDS in Africa speigel.de

OMG!

Eni ba je gbese da oran (Whoever owes is in trouble). This statement is usually made by my people when contemplating how fast time has gone by. Today marks the 1st anniversary of my departure from Nija. I can hardly believe it, one year ago today I overdosed on 'liver', packed up my suitcases kissed Princess and Bee so long and hopped on the plane. I must say the past year has been a great experience I really have a lot to be thankful to God for; the courage to just trust Him and launch out into the deep, He not denying Himself and waiting on the other side to catch me, raising people to help me, get me settled in and all, taking care of Princess and Bee (so much so I fear they don't even know I am gone!). I am really grateful. I would like to say a big thank you to my friends who opened up their homes, lives, friends and family to me, may God continue to bless you and may you always find a helping hand. Today I face the coming year not with as much fear as the preceding one and with a lot more hope

He is back!

Raphael is back!!!

I did a little cheer as he hobbled out from the back room. He looks a little tired and all that, his eyes looked a little tired, poor thing. The deli was busy so we didn't get a chance to do do more than say hello and keep it moving. I'll go down later to buy chips or something to catch up. By the way, my sandwich is great!

Lunch has no been the same ...

Raphael has not been in to work for almost two weeks.

I skipped downstairs last week for my usual sandwich and he wasn't there. Julio made my sandwich and it wasn't too bad, it was owever missing the Raphael touch (whatever that is). Well there is always tomorrow. Tomorrow comes again no Raphael. 'May I take your order ma'am?' Asked a strange guy. Oh no! Has Raphael been fired? Did he resign and not tell me? So many questions, relax, I am sure it is none of the above he probably just has some time off work and no this stranger is not 'replacing' him like that. Besides there is a more pressing issue to contemplate, do I really want the new guy making my sandwich? How can I get out of this? It would not be polite of me to ignore him or ask that another person attend to me, plus this is where I eat, I really don't need to be making enemies here before they start serving sandwich wit a side order of spit. And the yeye man wasn't helping matters at all, being earnest and everything, drat. I am between a rock and a hard place here, I placed my order. I watched in horror as he slapped my sandwich together OMG! Not the tomato slices directly on the bread, don't you know that will make the bread all soggy!? You for try squish the avoado a little before adding it to the sandwich that way it wll help hold the bacon to the bread not fall out in chunks as you are masacaring my sandwich under the guise of cutting it up! I couldn't watch anymore! I muttered my thanks and paid for my food. Na dustbin get this sandwich I thought to myself, watching the guy put it together was traumatic enough, I didn't think I could put my stomach through the ordeal of digesting it. 'Speak for yourself honey' my stomach growled as my hand hovered over the trash. I had a meeting in 30 mins with clients from out of town. The nearest 'Subway' is like a 20 mins walk away in the 'upstairs' (4 inch platforms) I am wearing. And today is the day I decide to leave home without my trusty Nature Valley bar. And dis my belle sabi embarrass person, na so de yeye thing go begin dey make noise like say I swallow lion, loud and long growls. I no get choice, I proceeded to eat the messiest sandwich I have ever laid eyes on. Picking the thing up from the Styrofoam box no be small work, taking a bite out of it nko? At one point na im I just give up begin to use fork eat am. I managed to eat half of it and threw the rest in the bin. At least my belle no go embarrass me for meeting.

Note to self: I am a paying customer, I should get my money's worth. Next time that guy attempts to make me a sandwich I will politely decline. Raphael oh Raphael, where art thou? Please hasten to me lest I fade away into the woodwork from lack of proper nutrition

Next day I am bobbing and weaving the minute I got off the elevator. No Raphael! Where is Raphael? Why is he doing this to me!? Thankfully Julio was on hand to rescue me from the new guy. I was pleased to see he had learned to cut my sandwich just right (the Raphael way). 'Julio, where is Raphael?' 'Oh Raphael, he fall, he in hospital' 'What?!' That came out a little louder than I had intended, but I couldn't help myself. 'Is he alright?' 'Yeah, he hurt his knee, he phoned today' Thank God! Its not like he is unconscious or anything like that. 'Could you tell him I said hello and get well soon?' and I miss him and who told him he had the right to be falling down and hurting himself and get himself all hospitalized leaving me without a lovingly made sandwich for lunch? 'Sure' Julio replies with a smile and twinkling eyes. Na you sabi, sha greet him for me. Everyday I go down for lunch, my heart is in my mouth, is he back? As at this afternoon he is not AND I learn today he might be having surgery. Eya. Get well soon o, lunch has not been the same and I really don't know for how long I can avoid the new guy without making an enemy of him. I think I am going to take lunch to work tomorrow.

Ope O!

MG don born o, abegi helep me rejoice!

Person go think say na me pregnat de girl as I just dey show my teeth like Cheshire cat since I hear de good news. Gudugbe na 'abi girl' o, I hear say de picken big (4.1kg) and say she long. I happy no be small o, I am anxiously awaiting pictures, I don dispatch everybody wey I know make dem go take picture email to me. I happy sotay, I dey suspect say I no dey coherent. My heart just de do somersault for inside my chest. God is good o! I have been bombarding poor MG (to be known as Maa! from now on) with silly txt messages, I figure they will be less stressful on her as opposed to me calling every 10 mins. I am so happy I could scream (come o wetin dey stop me?) Yippee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Music sweet music - An Update

Today I bought Dr Dre's 'The Chronic' and Bon Jovi's 'Slippery When Wet' albums. Both albums are on the '100 great albums youu shoud own' list (according to bmgmusic.com) which I am trying to make up, I am currently 64 albums shy of my goal, and I have promised myself I won't pay more than $10 (inclusive of tax) on each one. Wish me luck. So I am home, watching American Idol on mute (A well deserved win for Jordin Sparks) , rocking my 'new' Dre album, doing some work on the computer (pathetic I know) thinking why oh why is the cd player in my car not working? I had blogged earlier about the cd player in my car, till this day I have not taken the car in for the unit to be removed and sent to some 3rd party facility to be repaired primarily because I cannot imagine riding around in the car without music. I guess I was missing the cd player today because I didn't feel up to ripping my new cd's to my iPod. Ah well thats that, case closed. The I remembered I was out of hair conditioner and I needed to make a quick dash to Wal-Mart. I grabbed my bag and keys and on a whim the 'Slippery When Wet' album. 'Who knows' I thought, 'Maybe the yeye cd player fit work sef'. I start the car and slip the cd in the player ... it played! I was very happy I listened to my 'Church Mind' as I screamed along to 'Livin' on a Prayer' on the drive to and from Wal-mart. So what happened? Did the player just decide to start working? Perhaps it was working because I had a tape in the tape player. I ejected the tape, ejected the cd, turned off the ignition, turned it back on the slipped the cd in the player ... it worked. No I didn't do all that while I was driving! I performed my little experiment while parked in the Wal-Mart parking lot all the while looking left and right like a thief make dem no go car-jack somebody. Maybe its the particular cd, hmmm ... I waited till I was back at home to perform the second part of my experiments. I whipped out my cd case which holds like 20 cds but I have the sleeves holding at least 2 cds each so who knows how many cds are in it. Anyway I proceeded to try each one. Eject cd, turn off ignition, turn on ignition insert new cd, eject cd, turn off ignition, turn on ignition insert next cd etc etc. My ignition survived the experiment and so did the cd player. Yipee!!! I unload myself and my purchases and skip up to my apartment. Could the people at the dealership have inadvertently fixed the cd player? Who knows, who cares! My cd player is working.

P.S. I just remembered that Time magazine also had a list of must have albums (The All-Time 100 Albums) which they published in 2006. Bon Jovi didn't make it on the Time list, I ain't mad though.

Sir Shina Peters

A friend sent me a link to Sir Shina Peters 'Ace' as a present the other day. I was at work and it was really hard not to just get up and fling my hips around. Anywho, although the lyrics (at the time the song was released) were considered really raunchy, I could not help but admire the imagery they conveyed especially this line:

afara omi ton da mi lorun ton je siki-siki

(the bridge that is your breasts that is 'breaking' my neck)

Back to Black

'They tried to make me go to rehab I said no, no, no'

I am currently 'in love' with Amy Winehouse. There has been a lot of buzz about her US debut album which is actually her second album ‘Back to Black’. I googled her and this tiny white girl under a hug beehive and like tons of mascara and eyeliner emerged. A very ‘50s-‘60s look to match her ‘50s-‘60s rock & roll (as well as R&B and soul) inspired album. I have only listened to two tracks off her album (‘Rehab’ and ‘You know I’m no good’) and I love them both. I especially like her very defiant singing on ‘Rehab’. The story behind the song is interesting too, she apparently penned it after her management company suggested she go into rehab for her … eh … drinking ‘problems’. She dumped them before she wrote the song by the way. As usual iTunes is offering a ‘jara’ track on their site (You know I am no good feat. Ghostface Killah). I heard it once on the radio and it sounded interesting. Hold on, that particular track is on GhostFace’s album ‘More Fish’. I definitely will be putting my money where my mouth is.

Does your poopoo float?

I do like Gregory House. If I were a patient of his, I would be far more interested in his ability to have me cruising down the freeway to recovery and less about his bedside manner. Believe me being critically ill in the hospital hooked up to all sorts of gadgets with your organs crashing with every breath you draw (as is the case with all his patients) it wouldn’t matter that your doctor was polite it would matter that he is able to pull u back from the white light. I am watching House as is my custom on Tuesday evenings after Idol and he had to attend to this couple who had come in because the guy was producing ‘floaters’ not ‘sinkers’. According to his vegan girlfriend who was also a nutritionist, he shouldn’t produce floaters. House agreed with her, since he wasn’t eating meat, fatty or lean his poop shouldn’t float. ‘Floaters’ are caused by a diet rich in fat. House declared.

Hmmm … could this be the answer to the puzzle that I have been pondering ever since I heard Frank Olize ask the following question on NTA’s Newsline – ‘Does your poopoo float?’ Does anyone remember that particular episode? He had Quincy Ayodele on when she was just starting out and he opened the show by asking that question. I recall we all watched in my house in Ikeja like the rest of the nation wide eyed as this woman analyzed the state of peoples health based on their excrement and I have been fascinated ever since. Apparently floaters meant a person was healthy while sinkers were an indication of something gone/going awry. As a toilet worker in form 4, I was conditioned to hate floaters especially when there was water scarcity. You could flush with a hundred buckets of water and after all the commotion, and dodging of splashing toilet water the damn thing would just bob back up defying all your efforts like some sick jack-in-the-box. With time I perfected my technique and I must admit a floater was much more desirable than the ol’ padlock or used sanitary pad in the toilet bowl! A couple of years ago I noticed I was consistently producing sinkers and asked Princess about it. ‘Don’t you have something better to do with all your spare time?’ She asked. She did say as long as I am going regularly, I am not constipated and it’s not black like charcoal or bloody I am fine. I kept meaning to get online and read up about floaters vs sinkers but I guess I was ‘afraid’ of what I was going to learn coming from my Quincy Ayodele/Newsline background.

This morning, drawing ‘hope’ from the Tuesday episode of ‘House’ I got on Google. I found this article online which put everything in perspective. Vegetarians think the floater is king and apparently strive to produce them. In a healthy person floaters are caused by air and gas. The more air and gas in your poop, the less dense it will be and the more likely it is to float. So what causes the air and gas situation? Dietary changes for one. The inability to digest fat as a result of a dysfunction in the GI tract can also cause floaters. Also gastrointestinal infections cause increased gas content in the intestines which will also cause floaters. So I have finally laid the whole floater/sinker controversy in my mind to rest. The final nail in the coffin will be to ask my doctor about it at my next physical.

I also stumbled upon this article which is just hilarious. I can really relate though. For those who know me, I must have regaled you of my eventul trip from Lagos to Ibadan in '92

Arsenal 1 - 1 Chelsea

A draw is the next best thing, congratulations to Man-U

Match Report soccernet.com

Solidarity, my eyes on the line

When I moved to LA I had a list of things to do. Of course the first thing on my list was get an apartment then a car etc. In March, the next item on my to-do list was to get my eyes tested and get a proper prescription. In Nija I had been told I was short-sighted and slightly astigmatic. But to what degree was I a combination of both? Apparently it was for the optician to know and for me to return every year for a checkup and fork over N X for new lenses and N Y for new frames and N Z in service charges. My search for an optician/optometrist in my area returned several doctors including one I identified as Nigerian from her name. Solidarity forever! I immediately called her office to make an appointment. I got the answering machine telling me the clinic was only open Tuesdays and Thursdays and Saturdays by appointment only. I had called on a Wednesday and made a note to call on Thursday. Many calls later Thursday evening and I still could not get a human to pick up the phone. A well, Tuesday is another day. Come Tuesday, same thing, machine no human. I decided to leave a voice message. Thursday is yet another day. Two months and several voice messages later, nothing. I started getting headaches over the past weekend; you know the type in the front of the head around the eyes. Tuesday I tried the lady’s office again, no show Thursday the same thing. Patriotism/solidarity is threatening to kill me slowly and painfully by headache. I run another search on my insurance website and pick the first optician that comes up (she is Chinese). I call the office and on the first ring a female picks up all bright and cheery. ‘I am new in the area and would like to make an appointment to see the doctor?’ ‘Sure may I have your name and provider please?’ Five minutes later I am all set with an appointment first thing Monday morning my cache of Panadol should tide me over the weekend.

Darwin Correspondence

Letters between Charles Darwin and his friend and theological sparring partner Asa Grey are being made public and will be re-cast in play, Re:Design (nice title) written by Craig Baxter which is due to start touring in theaters soon. Apparently irrespective of how you believe you came to be ('intelligent design' or evolution) we all share a common insecurity about atleast one part of our anatomy in Darwin's case it was his nose. In one of his letter to Grey, Darwin writes:

Will you honestly tell me that the shape of my nose was ordained and guided by an intelligent cause?

I am looking at pictures of him and I must say that his nose is big but I have seen bigger and it was clever of him to keep such a huge beard, it kinda balances out his nose!

Darwin's doubts revealed in his letters to friends independent.co.uk

Enough!

Today its a life saver, tomorrow it is speeding you along the highway of bad health. I say the real culprit here is over indulgence, life takes moderation ... and Visa. That said I will be resuming my one a day cup of concentrated Joe habit with a clear conscience. I will replace my Peak Evaporated milk with skim milk and will be holding off on the sugar.


Coffee can be good for you, experts say news.yahoo.com

AC Milan 3 - 0 Manchester United.

So we will be having a repeat of the 2005 Champions League final, talk about Deja vu. Well technically not true since this final will be played in Athens.

Match Report soccernet.com

Liverpool 1(4) - 0(1) Chelsea

Way to go Liverpool, 2nd Champions League final in 3 seasons! For sure I will be watching this final.

Match Report soccernet.com

Yikees!

I had the scare of my life this morning. I got to work and was waiting on the elevator with two guys in the lobby. The elevator comes and I am ushered on by one of the guys. I get in and punch my number, saying a quick prayer for my quick and safe arrival at my destination (this particular elevator is notorious in my building for misbehaving) the doors close. As I am thinking that the cab seems crowded with just 3 people in it, one of the guys asks me 'So how is your day going'? It seemed an odd question to be asking seeing that its just 9:05 am and why is he interested in the way my day is going anyway, is he planning to influence it for the better ... or worse!? 'Good so far' I replying with a smile which I hope came across as care-free. I waved my crossed fingers in the air for good measure. 'Please don't have a gun, please don't have a gun' I pray fervently to my self. The elevator seemed to be inching along at snail pace. It seemed my latter prayer had bumped the former down in the priority list! Ding! I am here! In one piece! 'Y'all have a good one' I admonished as I got off, 'You too' they chorused in unison. I need to stop watching the news!